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Blue Mountains

ChorePlay Is ForePlay

 

It's not hard to believe that if your partner is tired overworked and feeling stressed by all the demands of their home and their work they're not going to be too interested in the most intimate part of your life together.  Dividing and conquering the chores of a family or a home together can be daunting.

So could doing more chores turn into FOREplay? Well take some caution before you assume that that's exactly what's going to cause more sex in your relationship.  Read on to find out what might be at the root of this phenomena.

It's quite possible that sharing and collaborating together reduce YOUR exhaustion and reduce ONE' resentment of I'm doing it all.

In reality it makes total sense to us that feeling upset over issues like chores and sharing the workload do you get in the way of some people desire.

Gottmann contends that the path to sexual engagement runs parallel to the willingness of partners to share in the managing of their lives, even down to mundane details like doing the dishes. Gottmann discovered that men who do housework have more sex than men who don’t.  His studies tracked couples’ inner and outer experiences over time in multiple ways, measuring emotions and behaviors via heart rate, fidgetiness and facial expressions. He scrutinized the content and manner of partners’ conversations, and gathered reports of how they felt about their experiences, including sex.

Believe it or not some studies show this to be a phenomena. So what does it mean?

A 2007 national opinion poll conducted by the Pew Research Center indicated American couples who believe in sharing all responsibilities report the highest relationship satisfaction: 62% of respondents ranked sharing household tasks as very important for a successful marriage, up from 47% in 1990. In a 2010 Pew poll of people 18 to 29, a full 72% agreed that the best marriage is one in which husband and wife both work and both take care of the house.

 

 So, If you do chores for me I will have sex with you?

Not at all,  in fact couples of all kinds who are sharing in the work of the home and the children may have a couple style that allows them to cooperate and collaborate on a many common issues within a couple.  

Sex is a perpetual issue for couples. It changes overtime in the relationship, different phases of life bring about different types of sexual relationship.

Many couples like to help one another.  

Some people believe that it might be due, in fact, to their specific “Love Languages” .  But let's take a look at how people like to be loved as reported by the Love Languages’ author, Gary Chapman.

Here is a brief summary of the five emotional love languages according to Chapman:

  • Words of Affirmation
  • Quality Time
  • Receiving Gifts
  • Acts of Service
  • Physical Touch                                                                                                                   

Many people have heard of the five love languages by Gary Chapman,

....and it's a good way to think about how people like to be loved.

Many partners, each person in the relationship, greatly value, the act of service and see this as a satisfying way to spend quality time together. You can imagine how valued they would feel if you participated more in the daily chores around the home.

Another fascinating way to look at this is unpack the issue of sexual desire and intimacy.

For humans in relationships this  as a really complex blend of emotions, relationships, biology and psychology. 

“Arousal is not just the process of turning on the ons, it’s also turning off the offs”  Emily Nagoski,PhD.   Author/Researcher in Come As You Are.   Research that turns the idea of sex drive on its head.

Hint: It’s really about what hits your brakes and your gas, you know, what turns you on, what turns you off.

It really is possible that your partner helping and collaborating in the day to day of life really hits the gas for some folks.  Let's face it, feeling good about your partner and feeling good about your accomplishments is good for sex.   Feeling good certainly can make approaching your partner way easier.

So the opposite could be true as well.  Some activities and thoughts really slam on the brakes and make us turn away from any desire or actions towards intimacy. This is where exhaustion and overwhelm might actually come into play to reducing the amount of time we're available to be intimate.

On the other hand if you see a loving partner working with you side-by-side on different tasks and lightening the load each of you must bear alone can be heartwarming.  For a lot of us that would step on the gas; being endearing or at least in the same boat as your partner can bring closeness and an appreciation. This might also reduce the number of squabbles or conflicts that we as a couple are having over how much help we are to one another in our daily process. 

Reduce the arguing over who helps with what increases the rest and the ability to feel less than helpless in the world that could really step on the gas.

Be really careful however, it's not simply that doing more chores is going to all by itself be sexy and totally cause your partner to turn on in the moment. If you're reading this thinking there is no way that I think watching my partner sweep the floor is hot, then you're right, remember pleasure is something you get to define and that's how you're going to measure what works for you.

It's important to note that many more things in the relationship affect the quality of our sexual relationship then you might imagine. People are often moving too quickly without paying attention to all of the steps are stages involved in building desire between a couple.

Look for a related Blog Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That